Bone Scans and Dad Hacks

Well, in the month since my last post: Izzie spent a week in the children’s hospital fighting an upper respiratory virus, Katie traveled to a conference in Kentucky for several days, we celebrated Izzie’s 2nd birthday (!!), we hosted some family over the week of Thanksgiving (my highlight was watching the new Ninja Turtles movie with my niece and nephew), and I am now sitting in an outpatient waiting room at the hospital, HGTV blaring on the TV above me, killing time as I tarry to complete my nuclear bone scan. I was injected with something an hour ago, and in a few hours, I will get to lay on a table (hopefully not naked) as my bones get a photo shoot (the injection makes my bones glow or something…). Getting injected with some chemical and getting a nuclear bone scan sounds a lot like something that happened to Wolverine in one of the X-Men movies. But alas, I possess no mutant powers—I am merely a lowly human being with a cancer history…

The scan is to take a look at the lesions that are on my right hip bone (the “iliac crest” for all my science nerds). It could be due to bone damage, or it could be more cancerous stuff. I am a bit of a diving racquetball player, and I have been diving on my iliac crest for many years. I am quite confident it is only your run-of-the-mill, sacrifice-your-body bone damage. Was tempting to just skip the scan and use that money to buy an Xbox or something… But I supposed spending hundreds of dollars on health care and not video games is what separates dutiful adults from the pre-developed mind of the juvenile? #Adulting

I guess spending a day in a waiting room is as good a way as any to spend a day off of being a stay-at-home dad? I may even get a nap in while getting scanned! Or maybe I will go and get lost trying to find the cafeteria or something…

Speaking of stay-at-home dad life, let me offer a few of the dad (or parental) hacks I have come across in the last few months:

1. Free massage. As I continue to age, I am no stranger to the aching joints. I have found a solution to muscle aging/decline! Use your kids for a free massage! Step 1, get a pillow. Step 2, lay on the floor. Step 3, have your kids walk around on your back. Note of caution: It is possible they will cannon-ball onto your spine and you will 100% be unprepared for the impact. It is also inevitable that they will walk their way down your legs and onto your calves and ankles. This is usually extremely unpleasant. But, if you can put up with those two hazardous possibilities, the rest of the massage really isn’t too bad…
2. Speed it up. Here are my tips to help speed things up: get a 12-sided die. If you’ve ever played chutes and ladders flicking a 6-sided spinner, the pace of the game can be rather tedious (especially when the spinner pops out every time…). If you use a 12-sided dice instead of a 6-sided spinner, you will dramatically improve the swiftness of the game play. Similar speed strategies: deal less cards in Go Fish or Uno (1 card Uno is Eliana’s favorite variation), remove non-essential cards (like cards that make you go backward in Sorry or all the single cards in Candyland. Playing with only doubles is the way to go!). If you’re reading an agonizing children’s book (many of which have absolutely no plot or conflict whatsoever…), try flipping multiple pages at a time. Note: this strategy will only work on books they are not familiar with. Otherwise, they always know if you skip words!
3. Time the purge. Many parenting battles seem like they can be avoided if you time the purge just right. IF your child discovers that you put that one toy in the Goodwill bag, or IF they see that you threw away the picture they made you, there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Your child will feel betrayed to their utmost core. Expert parenting tip: use the cover of darkness to remove child art and pesky toys and unfortunate articles of clothing that they insist on wearing continuously—THEN take the trash out to the bin. Whatever is in there will never be missed. The main key here: NEVER get caught.
4. Sprinkles make everything a party. Maybe this one is just because I am a girl dad, but you’d be surprised what all you can put sprinkles on that will completely transform the culinary experience for your child every single time. Toast. Pancakes. Apple sauce. Bananas. You name it, kids love sprinkles. (just be careful with Red Dye #3…)
5. The Library is your best friend. We go to the library every Monday and check out 30ish books. This is my favorite day as a stay-at-home dad. The result is hours of kids entertaining themselves looking at new books. On top of that, it is a very easy YES. If we go to Target or Costco, it is a constant, “Can we get this?!” “NO!” “Can we get that?!” “NO!”—but at the Library, everything is a Yes! “Can we get this book about plumbers?!” “You betcha!” “Can we find a book about bottom-dwelling creatures?’ “Most definitely!” Plus, the added benefit that your kids won’t know these books, so it’s the perfect time to employ the double turn (sticking two pages together and turning them in a swift motion, thus speeding things up as per Hack #2). You can even check out new audio books (in case you’re tired of listening to Frog and Toad or Disney Princess CD’s on loop).
6. Make it a treasure hunt. My sister just told me that she purchased a classroom pack of fossils/rocks on Amazon for $20. She ingeniously chose to loosely scatter these treasures in their rock pile at the front of their house. Her 3 kids then spent hours and hours digging in the rock pile looking for treasures. Absolutely brilliant. The girls and I had a similar (ish) activity the other day when we decided to DEEP clean in and around the couch. I’m talkin’—we moved the entire couch and cleaned under it. Not only did they enjoy climbing on the new couch configuration, but we also rediscovered so many lost and forgotten things. I then made Eliana the Captain of the Trash (her job was to collect any trash and discard it properly) and Adelyn was the Captain of the Treasure (she had the important job of putting everything away in their room). If you happen to drive a mini van, I guarantee this activity will also work there.
7. Tell them it’s spicy. This one’s a classic. If you don’t wan’t to share what you’re eating or drinking, tell them it’s spicy. “I know it looks like I am eating ice cream—but this is actually really spicy… You won’t like it…”
8. Condition them to appreciate sports. Now Eliana says I am allowed to watch football on Sundays. She even likes to watch it with me (though she mostly just likes the commercials). But she was very distraught this past weekend, “I didn’t even get to watch any football today!” since they ran an errand during football watching time.

These are only a few, but perhaps there will be something here that will help you save physical or mental energy as a parent.

Looks like it’s time to get scanned. Thanks for tuning in.